


Wait and bleed

by Ississ



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cutting, Dark Thoughts, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Self Harm, all the sads, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2014-05-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 14:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1553120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ississ/pseuds/Ississ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He still doesn’t want to die. He wants to drag it out longer and longer until he can’t anymore. He doesn’t deserve a swift dead. Castiel deserves the pain of it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wait and bleed

**Author's Note:**

> I have been clean for almost two months now but it's starting to get really hard right now. So I wrote this when I should be sleeping but couldn't. Sorry for the feelings which I poured into this. It's been a while since I've written a fanfic and I had forgotten how much emotion you can put in your favourite character. 
> 
> It's also my first Supernatural fic, and with Destiel not being my main ship, I think this turned out quite alright? 
> 
> Please read the tags, they're there for a reason, the last thing I want to do is trigger someone :c 
> 
> Un-beta'ed as ever.  
> English is not my first language...

Castiel doesn’t really want to die.  
No, death would be too easy, to quick. It wouldn’t be the punishment he deserves. He’s never been one for the easy way out. He’s more of the suffering type of guy.  
And so, with that thought in mind, he brings the blade to his wrist and places it against the pale skin, applies pressure until it breaks and red drops find their way to the surface. It’s almost beautiful, almost pretty in an unholy way.  
Sometimes he really wants to put an end to it all. 

He drags himself to school day after day after day. It’s a never ending circle, wishing he could go home, being home, wishing he’d could leave home, leaving home, repeat.  
It’s driving him mad. Cas can’t really remember a time during which he didn’t feel the urge to cry, to punish himself. If he’d ever lived without the feeling of hate towards himself he sure as hell can’t remember it. 

School is boring, just like it’s always been. He isn’t being bullied, but he’s also not quite accepted. Sometimes he wonders what’s worse. Not being spoken to makes him feel so goddamn alone. As if there really isn’t a soul on this earth who cares for him.  
It’s through though, no one truly does. No one gives him the help he needs, the comfort he longs for. Maybe he truly is useless, broken beyond repair. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want anyone to try. 

As he gets home he runs to his room. Not even looking at his brothers, ignoring them completely. They don’t care about him either, they only wish he was gone so they didn’t have to take care of him. The broken teenager who does nothing but sit on his room and bring bad grades home. Castiel knows he’s not the straight A student his brother was, nor the genius in hiding Lucifer claims to be.  
All he is is a waste of space and that’s all he’s ever going to be. 

He should really stop tearing up during class though. It’s already the second time this week it happened. This time during biology. Evolution. We all evolved from something, we’re all the perfect shape of another being.  
Everyone but himself. He was the evidence of reversed evolution. The human race had truly taken a step backwards when he was born.  
The teacher doesn’t notice his tears, of course she doesn’t. She’s way too wrapped up in her story, trying to explain the subject to a bunch of teenager who don’t give two craps about it. Why should they care? It’s Friday, nearly their last hour as well. No one cares anymore. All they care about is who is going to kiss who this weekend. Who’s going to get drunk and get laid.  
At least they all know it sure as hell isn’t Castiel. 

Not that anyone thinks of him, they usually forget about him during, well, everything.  
He gets picked last with gym, not because no one wants him on their team, but simply because they don’t really see him until the teacher points him out. He doesn’t sit with anyone during lunch either because no one has ever offered him to eat with them and because he’s simply too much of a coward to ask for a seat. 

Castiel doesn’t eat much anyway. He only eats when his brothers force him too. When they remember he’s there and they give enough to bring him a plate. When they care enough to see him eat it and not give him the opportunity to throw it in the bin.  
Maybe they care though, because they work their asses of to support him. But all he wants is for them to be home, to hold him like they did when he was young, to ruffle his hair and ask him how their ‘little angel’ was feeling.  
Sometimes he wonders if he would tell them the truth, that he was in fact, not feeling well at all. Sometimes he doubts if they would believe him. 

Puberty they’d call it and laugh about it. They weren’t mean or anything, they just didn’t know about how tired he was of it all.  
So he cuts, because the sting of the blade makes him remember, makes him feel awake for a split second. It isn’t enough anymore though, the scars seem to fade faster than they used too, the stings are numbed, the blood not red enough.  
And yet, he still doesn’t want to die. He wants to drag it out longer and longer until he can’t anymore. He doesn’t deserve a swift dead. Castiel deserves the pain of it all. 

Torturing is what he’s doing, torturing himself. But he could never done it more effectively as he’s doing right now. Falling in love. The greatest torture of them all.  
He’s not even sure if it’s love, it’s just a feeling of comfort, of home. A simple feeling which makes him want to live for another reason than punishment. Him.  
It’s suddenly all about him. 

Dean Winchester is one of those really annoying but really beautiful boys who seem to pop up everywhere and who are loved by everyone. They got girls ready to throw themselves at their feet and boys who’d all kill to be them.  
And yet Castiel is stupid enough to fall for him.  
It all started during math, both of them not being particularly good at it, got moved to the front of the class, in order to pay more attention. Maybe they both needed it. Dean had been talking to his friends at the back, and Castiel had done nothing but stare out of the window and thinking about where he’d place his next cut as soon as he came home. 

The teacher was a cruel man, placing the boy of his dreams next to him in the most boring class in all eternity. It was the worst kind of torture someone could bring to him. It troubled him even more that it had not been his doing. Castiel didn’t especially liked pain, but it was something he had to drag himself through to pay for his sins. 

“Hey.” Dean whispered when he old goat of a teacher wasn’t looking.  
“Hello.” He answered, voice getting stuck in his throat for a split second. His palms were sweating and his heart was beating faster than it should.  
Castiel wasn’t sure when he’d fallen in love with the green-eyed boy, but it must have been somewhere between his first kind smile and this moment. There was no other explanation for it.  
“I guess we’re both stuck here.”  
“Yea.” 

 

There was a silence between them, mostly caused by their teacher giving them the death-look. Mister Crowley surely knew his way with that glare.  
“You don’t say much, do you kid?”  
“Not really, no.”  
Dean laughed. 

When Castiel got home that day he cut a simple and small ‘D’ on his hip. For Dean of course. For the person who make him want to live by simply being there and smiling at him.  
You always hear those stories about how suicidal people say that a smile or wave from a stranger could have saved their life. Yea, maybe they were right. But to him, only a smile from him could save him. He didn’t give a shit about strangers but about Dean he cared an awful lot. 

That didn’t mean he was always nice to him though, sometimes he just couldn’t deal with his emotions, with the sadness in his stomach. Even Dean’s smile couldn’t help him with that. No one could help him during those days. Not even the blade could make him feel completely all right.  
Maybe he was just too broken to be cured. Too broken to be healed.  
Forever he would be the pieces of the boy he used to be, a shell, empty and hollow. Who was he to even think that he could have a shot with the pure boy who was called Dean? 

Dean would never want him, Dean would never care for him. Love him even. No dean was a nice guy, he smiled to everyone, not only to this broken boy. Why would he be so vain to think that someone like Dean had a special smile reserved for him.  
But Dean surely had something about him, sometimes he caught the other staring at him with that smile almost as if he was making plans. Castiel couldn’t help but shiver. 

Lucifer told him he was useless, a brick which was tied to all of them and which was dragging them down. They needed to be free from him. Free from their useless brother. Gabriel argued. Raphael agreed. Castiel couldn’t take it anymore.  
He found himself on the bathroom floor, taking pills at such a rate they would surely kill him and cutting his skin as if to make sure he would surely die tonight. It would all be best if everyone was to be set free from him. His brothers argued downstairs, about who’s fault is was that they got in this position. Why would they even bother? They knew it was Cas didn’t they. 

The red blood mixed with the water of the bath, splattered on the white tiles and white towels he’d spread across the floor. It was all so strangely beautiful.  
Dying was too, in a strange way, he could feel his strength failing him. Castiel became dizzy, softly going under in the waves of death.  
He only wished he could’ve said goodbye to Dean… 

It takes a lot to kill a weed, Castiel is the prove of that.  
Because he doesn’t die, he survives by pure luck and the cruelty of god. He was finally ready to end it and yet he couldn’t. Another thing he failed at.  
His brothers were mad at him, telling him once again how useless he was. Not in those words of course. They were angry at him for scaring them like that, for even thinking about death.  
They didn’t understand, so why would he even listen to them? 

While he was in the hospital no one came to visit. Not even the person he wanted to see the most. No, of course Dean didn’t show. What was he thinking, did he really expect he would? They weren’t even friends. He’d never really talked to the guy other than the occasional chats during math.  
Maybe he didn’t even love him. Maybe it was just an illusion made by his pathetic mind which was in need of comfort. And yet he couldn’t shake the feeling of sadness which came with the memory of Dean Winchester. 

Sometimes Cas forgot that Dean actually had a brother, Sam Winchester was a couple of years younger but way taller than the handsome Dean. Castiel didn’t really have much to do with him though, they were in different years and he had never been close with Dean to begin with.  
And yet Sam Winchester was suddenly standing in his hospital room as he was just about to start his cart box dinner for the day. It wasn’t that bad, but it wasn’t exactly great either. Plus it was terribly hard to eat normal sized portions without throwing up these days.  
He wasn’t used to it after all. 

“Sam Winchester?” Castiel asked, honestly bewildered by the younger brother at his bedside.  
“Yes, I came instead of Dean…”  
His heart was breaking. “Instead?”  
Sam nodded. “Or rather, on behalf of Dean. You know, my brother has gone through a lot, we both have, and I don’t think he’s ready to do this so-“  
“Do what, visit his classmate in the hospital? He doesn’t really have to, I mean, it’s not like we’re friends…” 

Sam shook his head and smiled at him, he kind of had the same smile his brother had, although Dean laughed with his eyes as well. Sam forgot that part. “He wants to come, he’s just too busy feeling shitty and regretful at the moment.”  
“Excuse me?”  
Regretful, why should Dean feel regret?  
“He thinks that it’s his fault for some strange reason… But maybe you should ask him yourself, I could give you his phone number if you want. Maybe you guys could text for a while?” 

Castiel was actually feeling to dumbstruck to inform him that he didn’t really have a cell phone so he couldn’t exactly text no matter how badly he wanted to.  
But he got Dean’s number, and he could call whenever he wanted. That was a comforting thought. Sam left shortly after that with some excuse about homework being due tomorrow and the promise of at least trying to get Dean to swing by the hospital soon.  
It was an empty promise, they both knew, but it made Castiel feel a little better. 

The first time he called Dean was two days after he was released from the hospital. Two days of being home in the care of Gabriel had already driven him nuts. He loved his brother but being under his careful watch made him feel isolated, suffocating even in love and never ending attention. Gabriel didn’t let him out of his sight, afraid that he might relapse. As if he even could, they’d replaced everything sharp in the godforsaken house after all.  
But hearing Dean’s voice makes everything a little better. Even if it’s just a little, and the other sounds as if he’d just woke him up.  
“Shit Dean did I wake you?”  
“Nah not really, I was awake for hours.” It’s a lie, Castiel can hear it in his voice but he can also hear the smile which is kept hidden in those mumbled words. “Hey sorry for not swinging by the hospital, Sammy said he’d been there and he’d promised you he’d try to get me to come but I-“  
“It’s okay Dean.”  
“No it really isn’t.” 

The other goes on for about another solid five minutes before Castiel has the heart to interrupt him again. “It really is okay that you didn’t stop by, I seriously doubt my brothers would have let you in anyway.”  
“Why not?”  
“They seriously think I’m getting bullied which has lead to my decision to end my life, and I’m not sure if you’ve seen yourself in the mirror lately but you sure as hell look like the bullying type to them.”  
“Are you?”  
“What?”  
“Being bullied?” 

There’s a silence and Cas needs to think about it for a moment but before he can answer Dean is already muttering something on the other side of the line, something which sounds a lot like ‘balls I’m going to skin the fuckers alive’ but Castiel isn’t sure.  
“No, no I’m not.“ Even if he isn’t sure, this is the answer he goes with. Because maybe people aren’t exactly bullying him full force, but they are ignoring him on porpoise and they are making him feel like crap. They aren’t hitting him nor calling him names, but they make him feel like an outsider.  
“Good.”  
Again a silence. 

“I’m sorry.”  
“Jesus Dean not this again.”  
“No really, I’m sorry, I can’t really shake the feeling that if I had given you a bit more attention you wouldn’t have done the things you did. I noticed you Cas, noticed the way you were always alone… I just… Didn’t know what to say to you?  
“Your simple hello’s were enough Dean.”  
He has to hang up after that because Gabriel comes into his room and the caring and the staring starts all over again. 

He doesn’t really call after that, even if he stays at home for three more weeks. His brothers don’t think he’s ready to go to school after all, even if he is. Oh god he sure as hell is!  
Castiel is bored out of his mind and his brothers aren’t really doing a good job with keeping him entertained or cheered up. All they do is fuzz about him.  
It makes him feel as if he’s about to drown. 

 

Castiel still hates himself though, even if he isn’t sure why. He just does, that’s the way it’s always been. The way it would always be. But he hates himself a little less, because on the beginning of his forth week off school the doorbell rings and there’s a Winchester standing in front of the door.  
And this time it’s the Winchester he wants to see. 

Dean smiles at him when he enters his bedroom. Castiel is still bedbound since Gabriel keeps saying it would be unwise for him to leave the bed and be up and about.  
“Hey kiddo.”  
“Hey assbutt.”  
“What kind of insult is that?” Dean asks with a laugh as Castiel chuckles. He doesn’t really know, but it already feels comforting. “Just an insult.” 

Time passes so quickly with Dean that he promptly forgets that there’s this silly little thing like dinner, and that his brothers never really were the types to ask his friends if they want to stay for it. “Oh boy, you still here?” Gabriel asks when he marches into Castiel’s room with a plate filled with mashed potatoes and beans on it. “Isn’t it about time for you to go home?”  
“No sir, I think I’ll stay here a bit longer.”  
There’s no ‘if you don’t mind’ or ‘please’ added to that sentence and Castiel finds himself liking Dean more and more. 

After more than five weeks Castiel is called fit enough to return to school, but only after Lucifer makes sure that Dean is in every single one of his classes. Lucie isn’t that much of a bad guy after all.  
Dean isn’t as much as a beautiful boy he’d thought of him to be in the beginning either. In fact he’s fucking drop dead gorgeous. Castiel wonders what he’d done to deserve the attention of such a divine creature.  
But he’s got in and Dean isn’t about to drop his fascination for Cas anytime soon it seems. 

“Hello gorgeous.” He greets him one day and Cas is sure the other is simply messing with him. But Dean ads a wink and a smile and he isn’t really sure about anything anymore. Sam walk past that exact moment and he pokes Dean in his side in an almost warningly manner.  
“Hello.” Is all that Castiel can say and if he didn’t know better he was sure that he could see something like disappointment in Deans eyes. 

Dean’s good to him, he hangs out with him all the time, spending most of his free time with him as well. And even if it feels so damn good to be with him Castiel also feels the sting of guilt. Maybe Dean’s feeling obligated to be here, to take care of him.  
He doesn’t really do anything else but feel bad for the forced friendship he has with his crush.  
Even if it isn’t really forced. It feels so natural, so smooth, it’s better than he could even imagine. But maybe Dean is simply a very good actor? The doubt stays, and it doesn’t lessen. 

Not until they’re watching a movie one day and Dean wraps his arm around his shoulders and pulls him close so Castiel can lean against him. It’s strangely comforting.  
It’s all he needs.  
He bursts into tears. 

“Hey kiddo, what’s up? Why the tears?”  
Castiel can’t really tell him either. Maybe it’s because of the fact that he’s feeling better than he’s ever done before, or maybe it’s because he loves Dean so fucking much and he knows he will never see him that way.  
Either way, he’s messed up and he really needs to cut again.  
“I need it Dean.” He whispers faintly, pressing his face against the other’s side. “I really need it so badly.” 

“Why do you need it Cas?”  
It’s the only question Castiel isn’t prepared to answer, it’s the only question he can’t really answer. Simply because he doesn’t know why.  
“I don’t –“  
“Oh don’t give me that crap Cas. You know damn well why.”  
He cries even harder. 

Castiel never wants to let Dean down, not after all he’s done for him, if it’s forced or not, he doesn’t want to let the other know how broken he truly is. How damaged to the core.  
“Cas talk to me.” Dean whispers as he takes his hand and gives it one of those gentle squeezes. “Tell me, please, I want to understand.”  
“No you don’t.” His voice is hoarse and it hurts to speak. “You don’t want to understand because if you would understand you would understand all those dark places in my mind. All those shadows which keep me up at night.”  
“Please.”  
“You don’t want to know my demons.”  
A silence, only disturbed by Raphael in the kitchen doing something silly as reordering the cabinets or god knows what, almost breaks them apart.  
“I want to know you Cas…” 

They don’t speak for several days after that, because Castiel isn’t even sure if he knows himself. And how could someone know him if he doesn’t even know who he is? It’s impossible, right?  
But if someone could get to know him, if he would let someone that close, it would be Dean Winchester that was for sure.  
Castiel sits on his bed, playing around with his sharpener, they’d forgotten to take it away from him. Maybe they didn’t know either. It could be, right? Should he do it? Of course he should, he should end this right now. The longing for the blade. It should be over today.  
But he couldn’t. 

Cas was weak, but strong in a way.  
He didn’t do it for Dean, nor for his brothers nor for Sam who he’d strangely gotten a bit close to in the last couple of days. He did it for himself, because he realized he was important. Because one day he woke up with the idea that yea, maybe he was kind of important, and yea, maybe he was kind of awesome.  
He cut one last time, one little line right underneath the ‘D’ he’d carved into his hip all that time ago. As if he was underlining it. 

As if he’d ever had to underline the most important thing in his life. 

It was a slow ride, all the way from the bottom to the top. It was an uphill road, but Castiel was lucky enough to have Dean in the backseat with him.  
“Dean?” He looked at him, straight into those beautiful green eyes when they were hanging outside, simply sitting on the old swing set near Dean’s house.  
“Yea?”  
“Do you love me?” It was the question he’d been meaning to ask for as long as he’d really gotten to know Dean, and oh how glad he was to finally have it off his chest.  
“Heck yea!” 

Years later, Castiel still hadn’t found a way to reply to Dean’s smiling eyes as he spoke the exact same words but to an entirely different question.  
“Will you marry me?”


End file.
